6 posts from 2007

oh no how............as days goes by  i find myself to be more attached and wan to have him more...........i dun wan to love hm so much i 'm so afraid for that day to come.so scare to face that day. so scare to hear him say that he want to leave me...........he really make me love him so much. last week due to mich's domestic affairs he send me home almost everyday. we talk and spend time together.........everything seems alright but i am really very afraid to lose him. that day went to nat's place have xmas dinner, when someone asks me can i accept that i'm sharing someone i say i dun and i am not happy then he say leave then. unless i say i'm okie to share i'm alright to share then by all means continue. but  since if i am not so i should step out. but i thought through it sometimes i feel i dun expect so much ba keep it this way maybe is the only and best option. i also start to thnk it over does he really love me.....maybe he really does to a certain extend and he simply wan the best of both worlds and probably this is the only option. alot of times i really wan to say this to him----bao bei i really hope we can be together but i know it is impossible. i really love you. knowing is impossible so every mins every seconds with you is so important to me. your presence is where i want to stay. i love you.---- i dun think i have a chance to say all this. wadever la at the moment simply can do nothing hoping that nth will triggers my saddeness before i leave m1. this is the only thing i can hope for.  

its a late night again. i start to ponder again. i seriously dunno what to do now. i sick n tired of this job and the relationship with him. i know that he is like that and this is the way he is treating me. i hate it but i still carry on to be like this. hate it hate myself for being so attached to him. it is so sick. why can't i just hate him. why i can't just get you out of my mind when i have other alternatives...........why do i love you so much. why are you treating me like this ? why are being so cruel to me if you say you love me? do you really care how i feel? NO YOU DUN. WHY SHOULD I BE SAD BECOZ OF YOU?  I REALLY HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU!!!!!!!

i am really tired and shattered ..........that day the scene is so clearly flashing through my mind............i am really sad. i told him that he dun have the though of meeting me ....he say that timing is not correct tell me dun be like that. am i expecting too much...........i know where's my stand. i dun have the rights to be upset or angry. but i can't control. i really hope that i can have him for one day. just 1 day. but its impossible. he has never been mine." first you say you won't den you say you will keep me hanging on without moving on..."..

wad shall i do????i really feel damn confuse!!!!!! I hate it i hate it!!!!!! Why always being troubled????? I wan to be happy. I just want to be happy!!!!! its simple but yet difficult!!!!!!ARGH!!!!! How do i live happily without thinking abt you!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna get out here i wanna fly.......

i breakdown today.......these few days i 've been thinking.from last week till now i've been thinking.i went to biotherm's gathering last week when pple ask nicole do u have a bf? i seriously did not know what to answer. last night i ask him why today can't meet for a while he say i'm very busy i have to talk to my gf. and say he is very vexed enough can i dun make him more vex i ask him what is troubling he says alot of things. he will not tell me off straight saying i need to talk to my gf. but yesterday he did. i 've been thinking n thinking finally i break down n cried out . after dat i off my hp. den on again he called me 20 over times. am i important ? i know very clearly we will not be together. but really i dunno how to draw the line. maybe i really love him alot.

it did not end.............its still the same.........but this time round even further in. knowing that flowers will not blossom but i really do not know the way out.  i brought upon myself. i really feel i'm totally blame but frenz around me says its not entirely one person's fault. given a choice i wouldn't want it this way as well. from stangers to colleagues............from colleagues to frenz from frenz to gf frenz and then to complicated. is this fated? why do i have go throught this. i did not cry for quite sometime le. telling myself its okie for too long. is it time to let go? tonnes n tonnes of questions in my mind.