let myself down

OH GOD!!!! Today i let myself down again. he called abt 4 plus and ask me wanna meet for dinner at town at 5 when i was rotting at home painting my nails n watching dvd since morning. i was stupid that i actually rush to bathe and took a cab there just to have dinner. i simply dunno wad we are now. we say it has ended somehow or rather after last tues it did not revert back to what we were but we are doing wrong things again. i am very sad that i am just a spare as and when he need or think of it den he will call. i can't tell anyone that i'm sad cause it myself to let him do this to me. i also dunno wad the hell i am afraid of. is it that if i ask him he will say forget it i won't call u again? so because of my fear that he will not contact me again so i can't see him again? i really dunno. i also hate it when i allow myself to behave in this manner. but i just can't control the heart of mine. things we did today makes me feel like we have revert back though reverting back is definately a big NO NO and it won't happen but at least during that time he bothers more but as for now he is like just a as and when thing. i told him tmr i have no class again he say den find things to do lor although he is off. i told him that henry his kinda of gd fren that he has been msging me he also got no response. i just hate it. i really have a simple request i wan to be happy. but its so simple yet hard to happen.