Somehow I dunno why but I'm like beginning to feel down again... I am so so afraid that I will sink into depression again after managing to pull myself out from it almost a year back.
Its like so scary you know... Especially not knowing that you have been hurting your love ones around you. The scariest part is that you finding it out so much later that you were having depression without you yourself knowing it. That was what caused me to attempt suicide which was non successful but torturing instead! Shall not talk more bout it den.
Work
In fact for work. I am really happy that my new superiors which came in in march 2008 gave me many chances to show my potential skills or talents you call it. I was given a couple of roles in fact. Things like Physical Evidence, Service Quality, Sim Sales. I really should thank them for everything. Somehow in work, there are ppl who gave me negative remarks bout them but it all depends I wanna listen to them or not.
I have also learn to be more positive as well, to look more on the brighter side. Eg; CUSTOMERS: Somehow you will meet good ones and bad ones. Eg; Good Ones: You thank god that they are in your life! Bad Ones: I just feel like telling them to shut up and get lost! (Haha, how I wish I can do that!)
Sidetrack: 5 years in service line have taught me to be more patient towards others but i dunno why sometimes I just can't do it with my family. I feel so guilty at times that I actually lose my temper easily at them. But thank god that I actually changed, comparing myself now with last time I am slightly better, I wouldn't say im perfect, well, nobody's perfect! (So I wish to be nobody! Haha)
I just got my appraisal done, my manager said that she is very appreciative in the work I have done and have seen great improvement compared to what I was before when the older management was still around. She mentioned that im someone with good initiative and show great enthusiasm in my work. I'm also appreciative for the compliments she has given me. However, when she mentioned that I should talk better with my peers, somehow I feel alright with everyone in the shop unless there is a back stabber somewhere hiding around. Well, life's such ya? As for my mood n service level, nobody's 100%, there are days which I am temperamental which i dun deny. Of course I would love to serve every customer appropriately. As for my health, in fact I hate to get sick, bcoz when I do, seems like everything comes out together and I gotta spend at least few hundreds to ease my illness. No doubt I will work towards my mistakes and correct them but somehow sometimes there are bound to have hiccups. I will strive for the best!
Now here comes the dis heartening news, just as I thought I wanna focus so much in improving myself more and wanna rise to the next level, I heard I got transferred... Its heartbreaking for sure. Competition is so much more over there. I dunno if I can handle it. On a negative side of thinking, I was like? You jus said im gd n now u dun 1 me anymore? what am i to you guys? why me? I just feel sad... Damn! On a positive side, going to a smaller place I will have the opportunity to learn more stuff, though stress level should be much more but I will learn more... You know, so much of mixed feelings, so much of confusion. I feel like im just a dwelling spirit, wandering to go to heaven or hell. Stuck in the middle...
Well, lets see how things go by then... If I'm alright there I will stay, if not perhaps just goodbye then...
Family
Juggling between family and work have never been easy... The amount of time spend at work is so much more then at home. So during my off days I would rather spend my time at home with my kids so much that sometimes I dun have time for myself either. Bcoz ultimately I have neglected Celestine so much in the past, so i dun wanna repeat such history again. I wouldn't want it to happen to Xaria either. I have always felt so guilty even till now. I have never tot of myself as a good mum and I dunno if I am one now. Someone enlighten me? I love my kids so much. I am so happy that despite anything, they are always there for me. And I owe my life to them. Without them , life wouldn't be so wonderful.
Love
Sometimes I just feel so useless bcoz its like I have no words of encouragement from anyone. I can be a good counselor towards my friends but never towards myself. Nowadays I always try to self-motivate myself, out of 100%, it works like 80%, the 20% has to come from my love ones which I dun get it from. I dun expect anyone to do it everyday, sometimes a kind compliment its enough to make me happy, or at least when im down, don't rub salt to the wound. It hurts, sometimes it just hurts so badly till I dun even know how to show it.
Thats why im afraid that if i start keeping everything to myself again, thats where at the beginning of my depression starts. I am writing here hoping to keep myself on-going.
Marriage
There is a problem between us on going. Just that I think the both of us just choose to brush it aside instead. I will just have to try harder each time. Just as I thought everything was wonderful, perhaps it was just a wishful part of my thinking. I was so looking forward to go to Aussie but seems like everything was just said for the sake of saying... I know SEX is the part that goes wrong. But does he understand that sometimes I dun feel loved, thats why i dun give it or even if I do, its just like having to do it for the sake of doing. I would say woman are just different creatures, hard to understand perhaps... I dun wanna talk much about it for I will never receive any positive remarks, nowadays I just choose to lose the battle even though I know I will win sometimes. I use to be so dominant in the past, well sometimes I still do, but its sometimes.... Perhaps I have really matured, old already... Fight so much for what? I get nothing out of it. No point to do that as well... Bcoz ultimately I might be the one who get hurt at the end of it.... I'm tired... I just wanna live in harmony and peace, thats all I ask for...
Thank you for all you have done for me, i truly appreciate it and no words can describe how much I feel for you and how much I should thank you again for pulling me up from hell... Life for me in the past was hell but you pulled me up and somehow sometimes I can't help it but just to think that nowadays you are like pushing me into it at times
Well, I am tired, hopefully the next time I will so much feel to blog again... And hopefully the next time I blog would be as inspirational as I use to be in my friendster's blog.
Let bygones be bygones... Tomorrow will be better and brighter day... *wink*
Had A Random Survey Done... You can get it at this link, http://www.bzoink.com/S62794/The_Best_Of_Me.html
I was bored and dunno what to do. That explains why...
The Best Of Me
.:Basics:.
Your Name: Michelle
Nickname(s): Mich
Were You Named After Anything: Nope, just the short form of my name.
If you were of the opposite sex, what was your name going to be: Zyan
Birthday: 16 December 1982
Age: 25+
Gender: Female, duh?!
Location: Singgapore
Eye Color: Brown
Hairr Color: Dark Brown orginally, but i dyed it
Height: 1.67m?
Piercings: One on each side of my ears.
Tattoos: 2
Righty or Lefty: Born left handed but was trained to use my right hand since young.
Siblings:: None, though I hope to have one!
Pets:: Rabbit and fishes.
.:Favorites:.
Color: White, its stands for purity
Restaurant: Chinese restaurants, once awhile pasta
Band: Maroon 5.
Song: Currently bleeding love?
Store: Cotton On and any where that has a bargain!
Genre: You mean style?
Vacation Spot: Thailand! Aussie!
Animal: Rabbits...
Month: December
Holiday: Chinese New Year, thats when I really get a break!
Food: Banana Nut Crunch with milk!
Drink: Distilled water and milk!
.:This or That:.
Black or White: White
Coffee or Cappuccino: None, I hate coffee!
Lake or River: Lake
Pool or Beach: Beach
Hotdog or Hamburger: Hamburger
Vanilla or Chocolate: Vanilla
Orange or Apple: Apple
.:What Do You Use:.
Shampoo: Loreal
Bodywash: Neutrogena, Body Shop
Perfume/Cologne: Lavin, Ralph Lauren
Conditioner: Loreal
Razor: I dun shave, i use the tweezer!
Lotion: Jergens or Nivea
Toothpaste: Colgate
Hair Product: Redken
.:At This Very Moment:.
What are you wearing: White Singlet and Boxers
What are you listening to: Nothing at the moment.
Who are you talking to:My hubby.
Describe your mood: Disappointed with my appriasal
What else are you doing: Shopping online!
What do you see out your window: Opposite block of flats. Boring!
What time is it: 2.38am
What do you wish you were doing: Sleeping
.:The Group of Friends... which of you (including you) are...:.
Most Trustworthy: May, Nicole
Funniest: Randy
Best Listener: Wendy
Ditziest: Myself I think
Most serious: Lynn
Shyest: Aaron
Boy/Girl Crazy: Can't think of any
Loudest: My hubby!
Hyperest: My hubby still!
Most Out-Going: Kiat!
Most Reserved: Germaine
The Newest Groupie: Nicole, Ravi
The Oldest Groupie: Wendy, Lynn, Kendy, Ray, Cynthia
Most Intelligent Can I say myself? Haha
Craziest:: Yes, its me too!
Spontaneous: My mum!
Worriful: My mum too!
Pesstimisitic: My Dad!
Optimisitc: Cynthia, Judy
Toughest: Umm... I dunno, my hubby maybe?
Quietest: Myself too :(
.:Do You Consider Yourself:.
Easily Jealous: Yes
Spontaneous: Yes
Out-Going: Sometimes
Adventurous: Dependin on my mood.
Boy/Girl Crazy: No...
Attractive: Maybe...
A Follower: Sometimes
Creative: Yes, of course!
Fun: Nope, im boring
Energetic It depends what time!
Funny:: Ya, im always the stupid one!
A Bad Influence: Sometimes!
A Role Model To Some: I guess so.
.:Have You Ever:.
Kissed A Stranger: Yes, before i was married
Slept Outside: Yes
Been On Stage: Yes
Been To The Hospital: Yes
Been In A Wreck: Sought of.
Danced All Night Yes, i thinks dat like so many years ago!
Skinny Dipped:: Uh huh?
Did Something You Regret:Of course, everyone does!
Tried Drugs: Yup, been that done that. DO not do it!
Been Drunk: Oh yes, it was terrible
Talked To Someone All Night Long: 12 years back i think?
Slept Straight for 48 Hours: never. thats insane! yup, but i probably didn't sleep for 48 hours!
.:Do You:.
Like Thunderstorms: No, its mad.
Sleep With Stuffed Animals: Yes and I love them!
Take Walks In The Rain: There was only once and thats it.
Dance In The Rain: I would like to try
Lie A lot: Use to.
Go To Church:Use to.
Believe in God: Yes I do
Believe in Satan: Yes, i believe its somewhere out der for me to spit at him!
Believe in Heaven & Hell: Both
Believe in Love At First Sight: Yes....
Eat Weird Combinations Of Food: Haha, sometimes
.:A Little More Personal:.
What's Your Biggest Fear: To lose someone so important to me.
Your Weirdiest Dream: I became a mermaid!
Do You Have A Reoccuring Dream: Sometimes, like falling?
What Is Your Greatest Strength: I'm initiative and confident
What Is Your Greatest Weakness: Too straight forward and blunt at times.
What Is Your Worst Habit:Smoking.
What Are Your Pet Peeves:: I hate ppl who are "pretentious", irritating. Basically i hate fakies. Assholes!
Do You Keep A Journal or Diary: Blog?
Are You Predictable: Nope, im like a time bomb!
If You Were Someone Else, Would You Be Friends With Yourself: Yes definately, im so fun to be with, ya right? As if!
Are You Gullible: once a while, does that counts?
Are You Trustworthy: Yes, totally agree.
.:Let's Be A Little Random:.
What Do You Eat On your Waffles: butter and honey
What Do You Eat On Your Hotdogs: nothing
What Is Your Favorite Color of Socks: white
Do You Like The Taste of Envelope Glue: no!
How Far Can You Spit: haven't tried though, im not jack n rose from titanic
What Color Are Your Toes: toe nails u mean? its gold french at the moment
Favorite Scent For A Candle: rose
Your Favorite Televsion Channel: none
What Is Under Your Left Foot Right Now: my flooring!
Are
There Things You Want To Tell People But Can't Right Now: I am just
myself, why can't u let me live? ok, dats me being crazy again...
Are You Good At Math or English: Both
Have You Ever Tried to Lick Your Elbow:huh? should i?
Have You Ever Stole Anything:: yes.
Have You Been In Love Of course, who hasn't?
Bikini/Tankini/Full Piece:: Bikini
What Does Your Current Swimsuit Look Like: Bikini, light blue
How Are You Wearing Your Hair Right Now: Clipped up
What Is On Your Computer Desk: my mouse, my keys, a cup of soup
Are You Happy With Your Life As It Is: Yup!
What Is Your Maritial Status: Married
Can You Remember Your First Kiss: Wow, dat was like 12 years back!
Any Last Words: Hate Me or Love Me!
I actually promised to continue blogging for my thailand trip.
But you know what? I am so lazy and too tired to upload so many pictures! Anyway its been like 2 months. So forget it. Look into my friendster if you wanna see more of it...
I somehow have to come to the point that I am only being LAZY. Yes! PURELY LAZY!!! During my off days now, I just like to "NUA" at home. Sleep! Eat! Play GAME! Ok thats all... I'm worried that I will bcum fat! Haha!!!
Ok, talking about it. I came out with this little picture I made, or scrap booking you call it. Nah, I dunno!
Heres to the end of my lazy blog post!
She's gone... Gone for good. Gone to be with Lord... She has left her misery...
Its sad to see her go... but she has to, her body has given up...
She's in safer arms now.
We were not exactly close, until we found out she was sick... She's someone very nice who do not want to trouble anyone. It was at the hospice that brought us closer and that was where her condition deteriorated.
I last know her to love Boon Tong Kee Porridge alot because she didn't like to eat other food. Brian brought her the porridge everyday... *controlling my tears as I'm writing this blog*
I dunno what to write anymore... I miss her... I believe everyone misses her.
My sister in law and cousin in law dedicated this song to her.
In Loving Memory of Auntie Mary...
Departed on 20th June 2008
Rest In Peace
Here's the lyrics of the song:
"In Loving Memory"
Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly
I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see
And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me
I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me
I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone
And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me
I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still
And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will
Ooo's
And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me
I promise it will be continued ok, as soon as possible. Bcoz I'm damn tired liao... Good night!
That's Baby acting cool...
Okie, here comes to Bungy Jump terror which baby almost died there. Geez... Scary....
Take a look at this video and see the whole process of the jump!
Just spoke to a friend the other day as she have some personal issues with her family member. That actually sparked to me look at the older posts at my friendster blog. Back then I had lots of inspiration to blog, somehow seems like my inspiration has died down.
Perhaps its due to the nature of my work which makes me damn busy and tired. By the time I’m home, I’m dead beat. Well, of course a lot of things happen in the recent months.
After not blogging for so long, I guess I have lots to write! I promise this will be the longest blog entry I ever have! (*giggles* to myself)
I suppose I didn’t talk about my current maid that came in January 2008 as my previous one gave me and my family a real heartache, the previous maid is Jenny. Jenny is good in almost everything but of course there are times where she is lazy. Ok, she had to go bcoz she stole, and it’s a huge sum to me! My dowry all gone! She had to stay in prison for like 2 weeks before she was being send back to the Philippines. Hope, she is doing well now.
Well, my current maid’s name is Jonah. I dunno what to talk or say about her. I only can describe it as in, “If I’m someone with a heart problem, I guess I would have admitted to A & E and ICU many times!” And of course the other way to describe her will be asking you guys, “Can anyone tell me how can 1 person have no common sense at all?” Sending her back soon, hopefully the next one that comes along is alright. *Keeping my fingers crossed* *PRAY!*
Well, April was a busy month for me. Had to work alot. Due to
going back on off days for roadshow’s so that I could have my extra income. Urm,
nothing much to talk about though, except for Celest’s Birthday Celebration.
We brought our 2 little girls out to the Zoo. They had an enjoyable day! Even though the rain was around but it didn't spoil our day. I shall show some photos of what we were doing.
This is the upclose picture of the cut chicken.
Xaria enjoying her soup!
The 1st picture on the left is taken near the hippo. On the Right, is Celest being very happy when she heard we are going for the Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream!
The 2nd on the left is taken outside Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. The right one is quite of a random pic, I was actually testing my camera!
The 3rd one on the left is on the Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Cow! The right one is Xaria being quite stunned as she jus woke up from her nap in the Pram!
The 4th one on the left was actually my babies in the car while on the way to the Zoo, look how happy they are! The right one is Celest trying to take a pic with the real hippo, but she turn out to be so sweet!
Looks so yummy ya?
Celest with her birthday cake, her favourite winx! Flora!
That is the up close pic of her birthday cake!
Not much more about April already.... Except for many complains I wanna whine about being busy at work! Oh Just let me Whine! Haha... Anyway...
Here come's the month of May!
I felt ill 2 days before I was going on leave. Goodness! I was serving a customer half way and I just lost my voice like that, went to Raffles Medical at Ngee Ann City to see a doctor, was given a day's medical leave, however, I did not recover and it actually got worse! So I had to take another MC. Damn, Saturday and Sunday MC and that's it, 3 hours deducted from my OT. I was genuinely sick and not on purpose! And I was like, damn! I'm going away for a holiday yet I fell ill! So I went to Bangkok on an early morning flight to meet Brian there as he is away for a course there, so we had our OFFICIAL FIRST HONEYMOON there!
He picked me up from the airport over there. Some pictures to share on our Bangkok Trip.
That is us outside Platinum mall after shopping for like more than 3 hours! I'm like dead beat lah, further more I was sick then. With no voice, I wonder will people suspect I'm one of the "ah guas" over there too! Haha...
But bought lots of clothing... There is just so much to shop there lah, and its like so many shops on 6 levels! They have basically anything you wanna find there, like undergarments, T-shirts, Jeans, working clothings, bags, children clothings too!
And its freaking cheap lah!
1 word to describe, I was dead beat!
So we actually walked to MBK to shop too, however we were too tired to continue shopping, so we decided to find somewhere to eat, Baby said he saw a shark's fin place to eat, so we headed there immediately. After a long day, we are definitely famished!
By the way, during that time I have not slept like 40 hours already! Coz I woke up like 11 am the day before!
We were there for 2 days, and on our 3rd day we headed to Pattaya!
When we reached there, the 1st thing we did was to jet ski.
That is us waiting for our dinner at the road side stall, food is nice and yummy! I should have taken a picture of my favorite snack there!
I guess this post is up to the limit already, I will continue the rest in another post!
TO BE CONTINUED....
I'm Sick, I'm Suffering From Bronchitis but not sure if its Acute or Chronic?
Anyway I haven't been updating my blog very much. Due to a Super Busy month in April and Now I realise I'm down on bronchitis. Hopefully I will recover soon...
Anyway, I'm gonna stop here, gotta get more rest. Will blog again when I'm better...
Nitey!
Ok, that's the latest hiao me lah.
With the fake eye lashes. Hair extension and stuff. Getting more vain these days lah.
Spend so much sia, few hundreds on my hair liao. Stupid lah, last time long hair go and cut then now short, go and extend.
Lately with work, I have been real busy. Bcoz of the new management. I wanna really put in the effort to work. I wanna get promoted. Finally Michelle, You have a focus on your work!
Sometimes i just hate certain colleagues, even though it seems like I like them but I might not. Though some might look like really close, but at times I'm wondering why put in a last min effort when its not your cup of tea anymore?
Geez... Dunno lah huh... My fav quote... These days, work is really tiring. Brian always complain. Just 2 days back, shop closing ended at bloody 1 a.m!!! Tiring lor!
K lah. I gotta log off liao, all else I will typing rubbish all the way. Goondu eyes gonna close soon! Haven't been sleeping well!
K K, I'm logging off...
Just wanna share my last hiao picture. Haha
Lately spend alot of mo ney. On my fake hair, fake lashes... Muahaha...
Getting old liao, so need to be more "hiao"...
These are some Pre CNY and POST CNY pictures..
That's My 2 Lovely Princess
Kinda miss taking pictures with my parents, been so long. See how much they have aged and how much I have grown. From a mummy's girl to a mummy herself. Now I noe why sometimes they find me a pain in the ass. Keke, but I wanna let them know that no matter how much time I did not spend with them, doesn't mean I dun love them. They will be forever in my life and I will be so god damn lost without them. I love you, Daddy and Mummy! Muacks.
Me & Xaria,,, She's All Grown Up Now
Well, she can talk alot these days, from Mummy to Papa, Brian always wanted her to call him Daddy, but dunno why she simply refuse, its always "PA PA". She can call Jie Jie and she knows how to call our names!
Just ask her what's her name, and she proudly tells you, "XARIA!"
She know parts of her body, knows how to say Please, Yes, No, Open, Close.
She sures know how to bang and close the door, Brian always say, "ya, she learn from you mah, bcoz you always like to slam the door... YOU = ME (BTW)
Basically, she's got attitude! Like her MUM! :P
Me And Celest
She's all grown up too. More sensible. Haha, more KPO also... Very gluely to me these days, which is good! But I'm always so fierce towards her, kinda bad I think. Dunno what the freak is on my mind. She's starting to look more like me, everywhere I go, ppl say she looks like me. And I'm happy!
Glad that her studies are good, coping up. Not too bad though... She's going to UK soon. So lucky! My mum in law gonna bring her there. Worried that she might grow up in the wrong way. Hopefully she doesn't. Well, so far so good for her!
Soo Thoo Girls
That's me with Sarah, May and My Angels.
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
Links from my Friends
That's my Friendster Account to find out more about me!