ELOCIN-NICOLE’s blog

its been a week. Graduated. SNY flights started. Life goes on. friends or family who reads my blog ....i'm sorry that its all about complains or something not pleasant. i dunno probably i find that this the place i can unwhine as much as i want. but somehow i was wrong. i am just a boring person,i like boring things so my blog is boring as well but i am just putting some of my thoughts into words only. doesn't mean much. i just feel as long as my heart is consicious i will just be like this i will still be the same nicole. i m tired to explain to pple that actually i am like this i am not like wad they think . yes i dun like pple to think otherwise of me but its tired to keep on explaining. as long as i neva die or neva go insane or neva do anything super outrageous i guess i will still be like this. maybe i just dun like changes but i know when i have to change for a living i will. nth much recently a fren send me a song. call-Tell me where it hurts. i simply love this song. Hope one day i can meet someone that sing this song to me. hahaha. ---(just a thought)

an email that shock me:

To my lovely sister-in-law nicole,

Knowing that the fire will burn you, the knife will cut you, the pork you dont eat but yet you ordered and force it down your throat. It's the same as you knowing there is no outcome between you and him but yet you still did it. That's not the dumbest part. The dumbest part is that you actually chose to lead a life of misery when you say that you are in search of happiness. How can anyone claim to be in search of happiness when she's actually putting her hand into the fire or eating the pork that she detest.

Happiness is all around. I read in humour your search for happiness. It's never far away from you. You just choose to ignore them. You can't remember happy thoughts? That's because you don't treasure them, but instead you choose to remember the unhappy ones by recording them down. When happiness dawned on you, you chose to be indifferent, when happiness made it's appearance, you ignored it. Worse, when happiness came to caress you and comfort you, you drove it away.

1 person alone can never really be happy. Happiness is shared with at least 2 person. Do you remember ever laughing alone? It's always with someone. Friends or family. Do you remember telling yourself a joke or patting yourself on the back for a job well done? You share happiness with ppl. You can't do it alone. Most importantly, you share happiness with your family.

Ask yourself what's your contribution to the family, or home is. Monetary? House work? Emotional support? Search yourself and then ask yourself. Is this your home? To me, you don't really treat this place as your home. There's a reason why a home is a shelter for ppl to come back to rest. Because you can find unwavering support and love here. It may not be physical presence of anyone and It might not always be the gentle strokes and honeyed-words that conveyed the love. It could be harsh treatment, rough words. But when was those things ever meant to be bad for you? Were they ever ill-advised comments or advise?

Do not do something and expect family or friends to return the favor, you will only leave yourself disappointed. It is unfortunate that your mum and dad has to work 2 jobs each to support and upkeep this family. Do you understand the stress and pressure that they have on their shoulders? I don't ask of you to know what they are feeling, but at least try not to give them more things to worry about.
 
Do not read this and tell me you've never wanted anything in return when you do things for your family or friends. If you've really never wanted or expect anything in return, why are you angry or sad when their reactions or words are not what you would expect of them.
 
Life is full of choices, you win with some choices, you lose the others. No one's life is perfect. You think the blissfully married ppl have no problems on their own? You think the rich and famous have no issues they are pissed about? The difference is, these ppl deal with it. They make an effort to change for the better.
 You? You decided to go into cyberspace and blog and whine about your life. Yes, the culture sucks, the colleagues are mean but so what? You chose this path knowingly or unknowingly. You have made a choice to join the airline industry suck it up and go thru it. This is life. Nobody said life was going to be pretty. You make your own life heaven or hell. You want to quit after your bond finishes. What would you then decide to do?
 
You expect others to give you opportunities? What rights do you have? The main difference between you and other ppl who can choose what jobs they want to do is these ppl made an effort. Some slog and get their proper qualification and deserves the chances that they have, becos they put in effort to be recognised. You? What effort have you made to allow others to give you the opportunity? You are still the same you from the day i know you from 2 years ago. 2 years is a long time. If you have started on re-doing your "O's" you would have done it 2 times already.
 
I've been very critical to you lately because i want you to know about responsibilities. You're nearing your 21st birthday and thus i want to tell you this. Nobody wants to grow up, nobody likes responsibilites. But at the same time, no one can escape from the responsibilities that they have. Just like you, i am a son to my parents. I'm a husband to your sisiter. And you, a daughter to your parents, a sister to my wife. These bring responsibilities. Everyone has their own problems. Once in a while, you want to de-stress and complain about your job, life blah blah....i understand because i do that too. But to do that everyday? It's unhealty not just for you. For the people around you too. Especially if it's around the same few topics, the same few meaningless things.
 
I don't want to tell all these to you straight in your face because these statements hurt. But at the same time, i treat you like my real younger sister and i care for you. I'm worried about you now, and your future. There's no better chance then now, before your 21st birthday , to look at yourself. Ask yourself what you have achieved over the last 21years of your life. Is this how you want it to be for the next 5, 10 years?
 
I think it's time you really started to grow up and stop pretending that you are grown up. Your parents and my parents aren't really the best examples. But do you want to be like them? I don't. So i grew up and became a responsible adult. I took charge of my life and made a difference to myself. why is everyone donating to china and not myanmar? Because if you don't help yourself, why should others help you.
 
Love,
 
Your irritating brother-in-law.
 
Hugz....

The moment I read. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I’m not feeling that this email is wrong or i felt being wrong. Everyone has different thinkings & perception towards anything. I am not saying that in contents of email was wrong totally but it’s not right totally. Ultimately wrong or right doesn't really matters.

What matters most is how I feel? How am i going to face it? Alright....Love. I failed. I truly admit that. i am stuck this person for more than 8 mths and i am complaining in this blog of mine all posts is abt him . By whining here makes me feel better because i dun think i should go to my frens or family as i am the one at fault i am the one who does not take advice from them.  However i should put it this way i and him have tried so many times to be clean perhaps not trying hard enough or to some trying isn't the word to use --some pple say just do it instead of try. I did not succeed is because i do not want to feel miserable do not want to be so upset till i can't carry on with my daily life normally that’s why i choose to be this way. i feel that eventually we will be clean. i know eventually is craps to most of my frens or family but to me i believe is when the time comes will have to stop means stop. Of cos there is choices, here’s an eventually examples: when nelson decided to break up with me so many times till one point  i eventually agreeed after so many times. when u know its time to do it u will not saying dun love the person anymore. When nelson and I broke up I still love him. This is why now i am standing in the same position waiting eventually to come. As I know I will be sick n tired of it ….so when that happens that where eventually comes. This may sound craps but is my perception. Everyone is different in this world.

Contributions to home? I did not contribute a lot but I did. Alright in all just a thought : Communications is very important. If there isn’t any communications , do not judge pple based on our own thinkings . Can wonder how’s is it like but not judging. After talking to my sis I felt so much better. I seriously do not wish to have any unhappiness at home but for the moment I dun know how to face him.  

ho ho its 3 thirty in the morning....meeting batch gals for lunch at 11 now i still not sleeping.have to wake up at abt 9. as i expected last night he did not call . he call this afternoon but i really neva received any miss calls .so at at abt 9 plus to ten he call to talk a while....den he is prompting me to ask him whether wanna meet up i listen to sharon wait for him to ask.....he really ask so as usual i just go ahead meeting up with him. one week neva meet same lor quarrel a while n she keep calling him. haizz.............den i ask him is he wrking on 1st of july he say dunno. den i just kept quiet and turn my face away den he says i already request from judy la dunno approve anot la. i told him i have a flight that day he give me a stunned face den i ask him say whether he can pick me up at airport he say no....no is definately not the final answer.... nonsense. But argh i just check my roster as i apply 2 days leave from office is approved but my actual day i m wrking and shit man is a night flight... tot it will be a noon flight.haiz the roster is not confirmed but hope that it will be change. haiz....i can't be strong again. alright alright gotta sleep if not tmr late again.

its sunday today. sis just came back today. she try talking to me but i also dunno why i am so moody today.just can't bring myself to be happy. my sis n jx bought some food back and cook . they invited roy,ben,marcus the usual group to came over and have dinner. i do talk to them but today i just dunno why my face is black and i just feel down. my sis she is concern abt me keep asking me wad's wrong with me. i didn't know how to answer. as i also dunno.....just feeling very down. i seriously dunno wad happen to me today. wad am i crying abt today? wad am i upset abt? him? for wad? nth happen between us........ i read through all my posts all are written when i am upset. from last yr till now which moment can i list out that i am happy.............in my memory i am sure there are but is it too little and short that i couldn't even remember.....from last yr till now had been either moodless or upset. that is sad man. argh.......life sucks what is the thing i want at this moment that can make me feel better? i dunno.  just feel like keep on crying but it does not help me to feel better.wad should i do. ? i really sincerely pray to god pls help me. pls take my unhappiness away i dun hope for happiness but at the least dun give me unhappiness.............................

its 4.30 in the morning. just finished viewing his & his gf friendster. looking at the photos that they took in korea and other places that they went to. looking at the things he gave her,their future house their happy life together past & present. listening to this song 其实还爱你  and looking at the same time. the feeling n the lyrics just fit so well. i know by looking i will upset but still i wan to take a look. Maybe its really time for me to just ignore his calls n stop meeting up dun need to wait till after my bday althought i wish to wait till my bday over. he is sick he said on thurs that today can meet up but he is sick so he called and said he is going hm to rest. its okie as i expect he will not meet me today. i hated his inconsistency but joanne just told me how i can expect consistency when we are not having a proper relationship. ya its true. by looking at his gf friendster just tell me alot that he doesn't love me at all,he also dun even spare a thought for me he is not nice as he is. cos i always can't get him out of my mind is becos i think that he is not as bad as i think. i am sad n very down now. but who do u think i can turn to. everyone just thinks that i deserve it. and now michelle cannot stand by me le our wrking hours is diff and we dun c each other everyday already probably there are limited things that we can talk abt.every of my posts is abt you.......do u know how much u mean to me.? you will neva know. i know where i stand in ur heart. how i wished i stay firm when i see you but the moment i see you or u call all this thoughts will just disappear like wind..........why i can't just control. this feelings is really very sucky. upset just so upset..........i dun wan to be a third party i dun wan to destroy i just want to be happy. really so difficult......................although i think that sucide is a stupid thing thing to do but i sometimes at certain point of time i really hope that i can just die....haiz.........dying becos of such matters are very stupid but i am just so down that i can think of nth that makes my life brighter......

opps its 1 am already and i am still not asleep and wad 's the best part i gotta wake up at 5.40. same things wanna blog abt again.... work still sucks training is ending soon. oh man going to graduate soon its going to be scary.... and him.....it still him. i know i just being a failure a useless gal......want to complain abt his attidude towards me yet still cannot move on. i know its stupid, dumb,senseless and also shameless cos in a way or another i know he is attached yet i just couldn't give it up despite many advice given. i say it to frenz of mine say i am seriously not hoping or anything but a fren says conciously not hoping but sub-conciously i still pinned hope. maybe its true......haiz today supposingly should meet up but he did not even bother to call last night to say he cannot make it. till i sms this morning then he called we quarrelled a while but after he apologized things r okie. i also told him he just treats me like ad-hoc basis, den he say pls dun say such things but i told he is just making me feel this way wad. wadever i am just lost again dunno anything just leave it to fate to decide when the time comes really need us to part den we will have to no choice. as for now just be like tht lor. good that i am blogging so it makes me sleepy alright gotta go sleep.

thoughts and thoughts of mine...............tmr will be my last OJT. after that the rest of the flight have to be solo.....which is so scary n stressful. been thinking that after 1 n a half year i wan to leave this idiotic place. the culture n environment really drive a person crazy. i just dun get it why are they so crude,rude and brainless.....why do they enjoy making pple's day a bad one n they will feel satisfactory...really wonders are all those pple there pervert or mad ......hooo.... this is only place that i can pen down everything..... life in there really sux but how i dun like to study after 1 and a half year where am i heading to ? going back to M1? its dumb. anyway enough abt wrk....its not clear yet...i met him. things were a bit like b4 but feelings slightly different... argh i just dunno wad am i doing also. he is going to get married i DO NOT EVER HAVE CHANCE. I know but i still hang on . do i really can't lie w/o him? no i can but i just dun wish to get him out of my mind. i really love him cos i did ask myself if he is really dying dun talk abt family commitment now if just saying he is dying i think i will hope to give anything and everything that i can to make him live. but i am sure he doesn't feel this way. wadever when i say things are like b4 .... but he did not call me today. shit him. i gotta stop tmr just hope i will have a gd day tmr.

OH GOD!!!! Today i let myself down again. he called abt 4 plus and ask me wanna meet for dinner at town at 5 when i was rotting at home painting my nails n watching dvd since morning. i was stupid that i actually rush to bathe and took a cab there just to have dinner. i simply dunno wad we are now. we say it has ended somehow or rather after last tues it did not revert back to what we were but we are doing wrong things again. i am very sad that i am just a spare as and when he need or think of it den he will call. i can't tell anyone that i'm sad cause it myself to let him do this to me. i also dunno wad the hell i am afraid of. is it that if i ask him he will say forget it i won't call u again? so because of my fear that he will not contact me again so i can't see him again? i really dunno. i also hate it when i allow myself to behave in this manner. but i just can't control the heart of mine. things we did today makes me feel like we have revert back though reverting back is definately a big NO NO and it won't happen but at least during that time he bothers more but as for now he is like just a as and when thing. i told him tmr i have no class again he say den find things to do lor although he is off. i told him that henry his kinda of gd fren that he has been msging me he also got no response. i just hate it. i really have a simple request i wan to be happy. but its so simple yet hard to happen.

wooo......almost a mth neva blog. Busy with training. oh god damn it just view the idiots friendster i guess he had a great time in korea....looking at those pictures he look so happy n enjoyed. and still wear the t shirt i gave and take a picture. shit you man. still can meet me up on tues. i hate him . i need to get him out of my head i need to hate him. he is someone that given me alot of hurt. sickening. i need to promise myself that i should not let him hurt me again. argh. woo.....4 days of off wed go back sure sianz one. training only left exactly a mth more to go. Safety training is over only left foundation n OJT which is so dry n bored n stress. shit man. the trainer of mine is such a bitch. only scoldings n sacastic words. nothing good comes from her mouth. i m sorry this is the only place i can vent everything out. LIFE SUCKS. just had got a feeling that i'm becoming more n more pestimisstic. nth makes me happy. is the main reason because i m single . I dun think i need one but somehow or rather definately its good when u have someone there when u need. maybe everyone ard me has this someone so i dun have thats why i feel this way. oh its 4am 5 plus or 6 need to go pray with mum haha i dun think i need to sleep. just hope down the mths of this year things gets better. i dun ask for much i just wanna be happy. can i?

ooooo..........almost two weeks has passed.............no changes at all still feeling that sad............last week was such a tedious week all the test and exams.........this week is first aid.. god damn it i was sick since last mon and it got servere on thurs till now still haven't recover . shit man. on thurs i msg him to c whether he has recover fully and told him its my turn so he call and ask me to rest more and drink more water. fri morning he call also but i was having lessons so i did not ans i call him back same thing he ask and he msg me ard noon time this is the first time he text me after i know him for so long.. but fri we quarrelled. i sms him and he call den he say something like u dun need to sleep other pple need to sleep u dun need to work other pple need to work......i feel so hurt.....followed by sat,sun,mon and just now he did called but less than 3 mins of conversations hang up. cannot accept that we used to chat more than 4 hrs now is less than 3 mins....can't help it to feel upset.....can't help to feel this way:

all of the memories so close to me just fade away

all this time you were pretending

so much for my happy ending.

it's nice to know that you were there,

thanks for actin' like you cared

and makin' me feel I was the only one

it's nice to know we had it all

thanks for watchin' as I fall

and lettin' me know we were done

all this time you were pretending so much for my happy ending.............

i really wanna get out of this but why i can't do it ? time? effort? i hate it...........i hate to have something and den lost it i rather dun have it in the first place............